Jokes

Nuts up.

An older couple drove their car to Walmart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked up and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.

The AAA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Warning, When Shopping at Home Depot!

A ‘heads up’ for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends. Here’s how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say ‘No’ and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen January 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also February 1st & 4th, Twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I’ve already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Home Depot.

Harley No Name

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

‘Fred,’ he replies.

‘Fred what?’ the officer asks.

‘Just Fred,’ the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. ‘Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’

The biker replies, ‘It’s a long story, so stay with me.’ I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, and took away my DDS..

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.’

No ticket.

Best Toast

A good Irish man, John O’Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout & having a contest at who could make the best toast. John O’Reilly hoisted his beer & said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night. He went home & told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”

She said, “Aye, what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly & said, “John won the prize the other night with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye & I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he’s only been there twice! Once he fell asleep & the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!”

Quick Thinking, Old Man

Ron, an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

Ron frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up Ron said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

A friendly chat with farm animals

Back in the days of the wild west, a cowboy is riding across the country. He stops for an evening at a farm, as the farmer is gracious enough to offer him a room for the night. Unbeknownst to the farmer, the cowboy is a gifted ventriloquist. The cowboy/ventriloquist decides to have a little fun with the farmer.

“Hey” he asks the farmer, “do you mind if I have a chat with your dog?”

“Well be my guest” the farmer smirks. “But dogs can’t talk, ya know…”

“Hey dog, what do you think of Mr Brown here?” the cowboy asks.
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Talking Dog For Sale

A guy was driving around when he saw a sign in front of a house, ‘Talking Dog for Sale.’ He stopped and rang the bell and the owner told him the dog was in the backyard. The guy went into the backyard and saw a Labrador sitting there.

‘Do you talk?’ he asked the dog.

‘Yes,’ the Lab replied.
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Thou Shalt Not Steal

In a little Southern town there were two churches: A Methodist Church and a Baptist Church. Since the town was poor, they couldn’t afford to pay their ministers very much or provide them with cars, but each church did provide their minister with a bicycle for doing their rounds and visiting sick Church members. And every Friday afternoon, the two ministers would ride their bikes out to a park where they would eat lunch and discuss their plans for Sunday’s sermons.
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Dinner with the Pope

One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before; the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, “Give it a shot, father.”
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Easy Like Sunday Morning

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”